A LETTER FOR A WAITING girl

(beating, keep still..)





keep beating, even if you're hurting still..

stay strong, the agony will be gone..

have hope, move on, someone is searching..

wash away those tears someone is wating for you..




YOU, above all people, don't have to suffer anymore...

you, above all, deserve to be happy...

you are too vulnerable and helpless..

yet, everyone knows you can make it through...



if someone is stopping you, no, don't look back..

dont give it a chance to hold you down...

you have all the capabilities to feel..

you have all the capabilities to heal..


your molten heart of stone by now may still be rock-hard..

but, it will soften...

your heart may be as cold as ice...

but, it will melt..




HEART-SHAPED-BOX, vessel of loving and hating..

for now, you might not understand..

but tomorrow, you will

realized that you are still human, capable of loving and hurting..


little girl, so fragile...

little girl, so innocent...

little girl, little cry baby you are..

but, you will soon bloom..


you might have been deceived by blue roses..

you came closer and got mesmerized..

yet, it wasn't your fault for falling..

you loved him more than yourself...



FORGOTTEN WHO you REALLY are..



it's time to forgive yourself..

dry your tears..

lift your face ..

smile, like the smile you had before..



get out in that cold dark corner..

love life, coz' life loves you..

love life, coz someone still believes in you..

love yourself, coz someone will cry if life loses you..



it's not your lost..

in the battle of love and hate...

situation did get out of your hand..

but, you hold your own battle now...


breathe....

beat...

move....

heal....




nobody can do it..

but you....

you're sober..

wipe those tears away..





look at life in a new way..




it's time for you to feel tired of waiting...

don't wait anymore....

don't look back anymore...

look ahead..




Little lonely girl...still waiting?

he's not coming..

he's not goin' back for you anymore...

if he is? then where is he?



MAYBE IT'S REALLY TIME FOR YOU, TO NOT WAIT ANYMORE





(beating fades)


(realization waves)


(open your eyes)


(let your feeling slide)








GONE INTO OBLIVION...

a year older

I know that tomorrow, I'll be a year older..
Yup, 1 year had passed by..
This year I learned a whole lot more than just living and breathing life.. I learned to appreciate little things, little things that I took for granted, simply because of my selfishness...

I was a stagnant water, that wouldnt have wanted to move and change its ways, that would'nt have wanted to outgrow things, because of my fears of losing and retaining nothing..
I LOVE LIFE, I love everything about it. But i disregarded its magnificence, because my world revolved around me..my problems, and tactics of escaping reality..
I WAS SO WRONG FOR THINKING THAT WAY, because truth is I WILL NEVER EVER ESCAPE REALITY...and never will it let go of me..

BLUE ROSES, I thought of you, I thought of blaming everything to you.. but no...It's not your fault.. It was mine... and mine alone..
I HATED YOU, LET LOVED YOU for your UNUSUAL WAYS OF LETTING ME EXPERIENCE LOVE AND HATE AT THE SAME TIME.. the pang of pain that I felt on the day I HELD YOU IN MY ARMS and admired your uniqueness made me feel VULNERABLE AND SO MUCH MORE HELPLESS.. I was pricked by your thorns, but yet I was amazed of how you've done things in such ways that I felt splitting agony and happiness..
IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT...


....IF THINGS HAD HAPPENED...if i was so hurt... It was worth it... maybe life has made this more hard on me then ever.. because it wanted me to experience change and growing..

If I should be thankful of something than ever.. I WOULD OWE EVERYTHING TO MY FAMILY...
My family who have brought me up for exactly 18 years of my life, tomorrow..
I may have had so much time and every day of my life of thanking you, my family, because of your kindness and love.. but today, I WOULD'NT MISS IT FOR A DAY TO BEGIN THANKING AND TO BE FOREVER THANKING YOU...

TO MY MOMMY,

MOM,
thank you for being there at all times.. and providing me such wisdom that not even anyone can take a way..
Mom, I may not have been the best daughter for the past 17 years of my life, and I know sometimes I have been the agent for causing you headaches and tears.. yet, you never let go of me, you were there in every event of my life, both important and normal days...

I may have had failed you in things that I know you expected me to be, I know, and I am sorry for not helping at all times..

MOMMY I LOOK UP to YOU AT ALL TIMES, AND i guess I always will...

you are the most perfect mother, a daughter can ever have and also to my big brother and little sister, you are one.. You are the perfect wife to my DAD..

AND TO ME, you are not just a mother, you are my BIG SISTER that I can conform and run to for pieces of advice, you are my BESTFRIEND, I CAN ALWAYS TELL YOU MY SECRETS and we share the best bonding that a mother and daughter can ever have, we never had this generation gap, even if the gap of our age is triple...(p.s DONT GET MAD ABOUT THE AGE).

Memm, you are the best TEACHER, you've taught things to me that not even the most prestigious school can offer, you taught me about life, of living, loving and its lessons and experiencing what it is at all sense.. You were always the protective kind of mom, yet, you never built walls around me from experiencing what is outside this world...

I WILL NEVER TRADE YOUR COMPANY for cool friends,,because you know what? you are the coolest...(it's not because of the benefits of not spending money when I'm with you, its you and your company alone, I CAN TALK ALL DAY ABOUT EVERYTHING and not being conscious of what I have to say, you never made me feel that I should choose my words when talking to you, YOU GAVE ME FREEDOM TO SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND SPEAK MY MIND and most of all YOU LISTEN all the time and I NEVER OBLIGED YOU TO DO IT yet you do) even if it is about boys,( you always noticed the cute ones first before me).

MOM, i love you, and I'LL treasure, every single moment with you and daddy...

REMEMBER when I asked you something? what if I become an old maid never marry, what will you do..(YOU SAID THAT I'LL STAY WITH YOU, and you'd still take care of me, because I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL, your baby and I WILL NEVER GROW UP IN YOUR HEART)

mom the best lesson that you have taught me is that, the only thing that I CAN TRUST IN THIS WORLD IS my FAMILY.. a family that will never leave me even if the whole world will.. I CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE MY FRIENDS, BUT NEVER MY FAMILY...

I am still considering myself, "HALF EMPTY AND/OR HALF FULL". I still have a whole lot more to learn MOMmy.

If I should be thankful of one thing in this world, am thankful that I HAVE PARENTS THAT NEVER TOOK ME FOR GRANTED,.




TO MY DADDY,

am thankful for having a father who treated me like am a special jewel, you may be strict and an authoritarian father, but DADDY, I love you and AM THANKFUL BECAUSE YOU DID THINGS IN YOUR OWN WAY, SUCH WAYS that may be regarded as a" fun-sucker" to others, but I know it is out of love, BECAUSE I KNOW you think IT IS FOR THE BEST..you didn't want your little girl to cry and get hurt..

DAD, I may have grown and I may not be the same girl that you held on september 15 at 12:01 noon..

I may not fit on your lap anymore and maybe if you hold me up on the air, your bones might break..

BUT DAD I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL..

am daddy's little girl..

your prima donna..

IT WILL NEVER CHANGE...

don't worry I WILL FINISH MY STUDies..(laughs)





TO MY BIG COOL BRO,

I KNOW WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME..

and I ALWAYS MEDDLE WITH YOUR AFFAIRS..

but am doing these things because I want you to finish your studies..

I LOVE YOU and thanks for giving warnings about boys and all those stuffs about them...

I'LL BE CAREFUL.. and I'LL TELL YOU IF SOMEONE MAKEs ME CRY..

you have been the bigbro that I had admired for years..

Remember, we shared this certain bonding for 13 whole years, without a little sister..

You always fought for me and my side, you beaten and battered bullies for me..

you bled and cried because of me back in our gradeschool years...

I will always be your "little sisten"(you used to call me that)..






ZACHIE,

my little sister..

YOU ARE THE ANGEL OF OUR FAMILY..

a blessing...

I may be annoyed sometimes because of your questions and "kakulitan"...but I love you..

YOU MAKE OUR FAMILY HAPPY...

my wish is for you, is to be good all the time,,my little bonsai...

you have so many things to learn, and I KNOW YOU HAVE TOO MANY LESSONS TO LEARN...

one at a time..

you will..

DON'T RUSH kiddo...

DONT GROW UP YET...

you are such a darling..

you make our family so happy..

especially mom and dad...

stay as cute as ever,, I admit, you're even more beautiful than me..(laughs, you'll understand this letter when you grow up)




GOD, am thankful for everything and for giving 18 years to live...

I am thankful everyday..

and still I AM and I WILL ALWAYS WILL..

it saddens me..

the days are fast approaching and yet, i feel nothing. NO excitement, no anxiety, no everything.

yeah another year is added in my age of living and breahting life..

bu, nothing really has chaged in me..

I slowly examined myself and ask in an INTRA manner.. have I changed? i answered myself.. NO..
DISSAPOINTING.. WASNT MYSELF SUPPOSED TO BE AS ONE WITH ME.. WASNT MYSELF SUPPOSED TO BE BIASED AND AGREE WITH WHAT I WANT TO BE..BUT NO..SHE WOULDNT AGREE..MY ALTER EGO IS MY ENEMY...

SOMETIMES I TEND TO HATE MYSELF EVERYDAY..i tend to question..why am i like this?wasnt i supposed to believe in the crap "you're a perfect being".. but no.. i wouldnt...

i feel that am not supposed to be like this...there's got to be more than who i think i am.. if others would say that I KNOW MYSELF MORETHAN OTHERS.. I GUESS I WOULDNT BELIEVE ON IT EITHER.. they define me more than the definitions that i created in myself long before my existence..

day by day..its the same...

the only reason that am living is because of the people around me...
not because i want too.. but they let me..

things happen and they add to my distraction of innocence,,.. yes I WILL BE OLDER SOON..

BUT DOES BEING OLDER MEAN THAT I WILL LEFT THOSE MISHAPS BEHIND?

I DO KNOW THAT I'M OLDER BECAUSE OF TIME..BUT NEVER OLDER BECAUSE I CHOSE TO BE NOT AND BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BE...

SOMEDAY I WOULD WANT TO CHANGE . . .

AND HOPEFULL THAT TIME WOULD COME..

WHEN I COULD PUT ALL THE HURT BEHIND..WHEN I COULD PUT THE PAST BEHIND AND MAKE A NEW CHAPTER IN MY SO CALLED TABULARAZA OF LIFE..

YEAH..I WILL BE OLDER.. and am afraid..

LISTEN

Everybody wants to be heard..But why do people have this unusual manner of demanding to be heard but not listening on the latter..
We all know that everyone has the right to express who they are and what they think. but why are some people too greedy for attention, they want to be heard but they dont want to listen to what others are saying and the things that others have to say. Being understood is a give and take process. And so as listening. Effective communication involves the two macro skills, speaking and listening. We are gifted people by all means. God, created us in a perfect way, from his image. We were given senses, to use. To see, to taste, to speak, to feel and TO LISTEN. What are the use of these gifts if we dont use them.. WE HAVE EYES, but we are BLIND when it comes to reality and recognition of the bounderies of good and evil.. WE HAVE TONGUES, but we dont realize that when we speak too much we tend to hurt, yeah, we have to accept that everyone has their freedom to express but there is always an excemption to every corresponding rights.. WE HAVE THE CAPABILITIES OF FEELING, but why do we disregard others feeling in the same manner, why do we always consider what we feel but not, WHAT AND HOW OTHERS WOULD FEEL. If we have EARS, why do we hear but not comprehend, why do listen but tend to not inculcate those things that should be rooted in our minds but we just let soundwaves pass, receiving the stimulus but not integrating and decoding. WHY DONT WE LISTEN?

THE IRONY ENTERS, when you, me, her, him and them are quite perfect by all means of physical aspect, yeah, WE WERE PERFECTLY CREATED.. We brag that we are.. but truth is, we were never the beings that we were supposed to be.. We do know that we make bad things out of good things that were created. WE WERE CREATED PERFECTLY, but WE DONT KNOW WHERE IS THIS PERFECTION THAT IS IN EACH OF US.

LISTEN. USE YOU'RE SENSES.
TELL THAT TO THE SCHOOL GUARD THAT I QUARELLED WITH LAST FRIDAY.