I cried, I bled, I slipped

i tried holding on to everything that we had, and you tried everything to let go..
i ask myself, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US?
but it's better if I say, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?
i dunno whats wrong with me?and what's wrong with you?
did we have to hurt each other and make each other even more certain that we are still feeling..
or is hurting me made you realized that am still alive and am still HUMAN...

is it fun SEEING ME THIS WAY..
did you have to leave me transparently lifeless..
did you have to make me feel that am worthless..
i know you know how i feel...
i know you see me as your burden..
i know you chose to hurt me because I WAS WORTHLESS ALREADY

I KNOW YOU KNOW YOUR POWER OVER ME...
i know you made your way on using that as your main alibi..

you didnt have to slap me right there and then with such realities that i refuse to believe in..
because in my mind i lead a chimera life with you....

and now, all i have is this...

i'm lifeless, i'm in total monochrome, am motionless, am a creature that doesnt obey life and natures law anymore..am living a timeless, motionless, airless, waterless, colorless and worthless life..


and now I CRY, I BLEED, I SLIP

and i dont know when will these end..

LOOK at me... TELL me... WHAT DO YOU SEE

LOOK at me, TELL me, WHAT do you really SEE?

do you see me as ME?

or do you see me as HER?

AM I STILL ME? or AM I somebody else?

NOW TELL ME NOW, do you see me still?

or ARE YOU SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE IN ME?

are you aware about these MASKS that am wearing EVERYDAY?

do you want to get a glimpse of the other self that i showed you?

are you aware that it's difficult to return to the old self?

now tell me, do you feel my pain? do you feel my rage, do you feel my agony, do you feel my indifference?

I GUESS NOT...

I ONLY LET YOU SEE WHAT I WANT YOU TO SEE..

open your eyes and look at me again..

i know you know that this isnt me..

ask me who I AM and I'll GIVE YOU A CLEAR AND DEFINITE ANSWER...

I am me, I am her, I am yen.. and the old YEN died 9 months ago...

when friendship fails....

I’ve known her from way, way back before. We’ve practically known each other since forever. From the very day we took our very first step in kindergarten till the day we realized that we were finally reaching adulthood.4

I can still remember the day when she first made a smiling face at me, the smile so inviting, it was the sincere friendship she offered me,. Although we were never that close before, she was with her best friend and I was with mine. Funny it may seem, we were once kids; kids who would play all day, never wandering what time it was, but simply playing, enjoying, and breathing the air of innocence. The peculiar thing about childhood is that, you were strangers at the beginning of the day and next thing you know is you’re already holding each other’s hand like you were best friends.

I never was the sociable kid before; in fact I always cried when my mommy leaves me in that little place they called “the four walls of learning”, even though I’m certain and quite sure that my mom will fetch me afterwards; I was never comfortable around that place, mere fact that I hated noise of screaming children, ransacking the place and fighting over some stupid toys that I wasn’t even interested to play with. I always sat in the corner of the room pretending that I was all alone and that I didn’t care, then this girl wearing a white shirt and red shorts walked up to me and said hi and asked me if I wanted to play with them, she was with this skinny little girl with frail complexion. And for the first time I experienced having fun and I didn’t felt alone and lonely anymore. But my parents decided the next day that I should move to another school because my performance was low in my present one, I was sad because although I made friends with someone already, I was forced to forget the only girl who ever have asked me to play with. I didn’t even had the chance to ask for her name before I go and I didn’t even said goodbye to my play-friends, well I considered they were.

The next year I completed my prep stage and finally entered grade school. To my amazement, a familiar looking girl was standing at the doorway and then she grabbed my hand and told me that she knew me. It was her, my play-friend whom I didn’t expected would be my classmate. I discovered many things about her, she was popular and most of my classmates had crushes on her, well, because she was beautiful and well she was smart too.. That very year I found out something in my young mind, that it was not enough to have only one friend, it was better to collect many. The girl and I never got so close and we even fought about things, well you know the kids stuff.

She moved to another place with her family the next year, but she was never forgotten, in fact she was still popular even without the actual presence. 2 years had passed and many things had happened, I improved. I gained confidence and well I had lots of friends and met my arch enemy, but to my luck, on my fourth grade my nemesis left and transferred to another school. I was very happy. The next reason to be happy about was that my play-friend returned, I don’t know for what reason it was but I was happy too.

She was the same, the same friendly face and with the same fresh attitude everybody admired. In the first few months we weren’t that close, why? She had her group of friends and I had mine too. She sat 2 tables apart from mine; but one day an unexpected thing happened, I was with my usual friends talking about anime and funny things, when someone passed a note to me it said

Hello,

Would it be okay if I could be friends with you guys?

Her name was written on the last part of the note. I slowly turned my back to give her my answer because I was so lazy in writing down something at that time; well I was always lazy writing it was no myth. I turned my back and when I got her attention I nod at her for my approval then she said thank you.

The next years were the best years of my life we became best friends and shared may secrets even the darkest ones. We had our own group comprising five members whom shared the same interests in drawing, anime and writing stories. We were super close not only because of our field of interests but because, we didn’t know that we were really connected with each other somehow because some of us were cousins, and our parents were once close friends before, we realized these things, the five of us did.

Years have passed and the five of us soon entered high school life, the beginning of our adolescence period. We’ve grown to be teenagers already. We went to different schools, and my best friend went back to her old home. Yes, she was far, very very far. Well least I thought two rides to her place was far already. We still kept our communication; we still had our long conversations on the phone, still exchanged text messages and letters and still see each other. We grow places apart but still kept our friendship growing. She tells me about crushes and stories in school, events and I did the same too, I would let her visit my school and tour her around the campus. We were best of friends, we never forget about important event in our lives, important dates to remember like birthdays and many more. .

The most important point of our lives now have had happen, the years to be where we will be making our future. College life had bloomed and here we are, already college students.

We entered different schools, but with the same course. Finally I left my old place and went to a farther place to study, nearer to my best friend. Even though ours had a different environment, we still promised each other that we would stay the same and told ourselves that nothing would change. Months had passed, we promise to write each other, I wrote my letters to keep in touch with her, I made it long ones so that she wouldn’t be bored because I expected that hers would sure be more interesting,… but……….she had forgotten.. I told myself maybe she was busy and I should understand. She still text me and told me that she’ll write, so I waited, and waited and waited. She promised she will. So I patiently did expect for her letters.

Finally, I got fed up waiting and didn’t expect anything from her anymore. I continued writing because it was a ritual for me to do so. I had my problems and certain thoughts to release and by those letters I felt good inside.

What happened is that, we grew apart from each other. She has her new friends already and our communication was slowly fading. And I too shared my own fault, I isolated myself from her and shut my mouth and said nothing to her. It was better that way, I thought. I didn’t want to tell her my selfish thoughts about her forgetting everything and putting me aside and the thought of her thinking not wanting to be my friend anymore because she had her own anymore. I know that I finally have been replaced as her best friend.

People change; it was something constant I know people embrace changes. Who would want to be left out anyway?

I, for once accepted the fact, that maybe she had changed, because I did too. And that it wasn’t her obligation any way to listen to me at all times, friendship didn’t mean that you should be shock absorbers to each other.

In this world we meet different people who would play a certain role in our lives. Life means an unending journey with one companion at a time. There are diverging and converging pathways, as we walk to find ourselves, our paths entwined with different people, and these people will make a certain kind of history in our lives.

When friendship fails, another one begins….

look over your shoulder

I may not know every detail of her life, now.

But I never let go of what we have had both there and then.

I may not have shared with her every tiny thoughts that I have had, but I never did forget her name, who she is then and who she is by now.

I may have failed in being there for her in those oh so kilig moments. And talk about those all night, with no sleep.

But, I did understand what was underneath those silent and blank expressions she made when I ask her why. .

They say nothing lasts forever. Everything has its boundaries and ending. But there is a contradicting thought behind it. There may be an ending about what we call life and everything but there is that something that always remains. Behind the parody of memories, reality and what really lasts is a question. Don’t good memories get left behind? It’s hard to put everything aside, and make way to new ones. . But in time we get used to certain events that really are meant on happening. . Sometimes we really have to say that, no matter how old one thing is, if it has served as an engraving or maybe a scar in our minds and in our heart, no matter how many years would come, it would be hard for it to fade. Despite the changing people, changing places, the washed off communication and the fast running ticking of the clock, there will always be a certain de javu to remind us of someone, something, and that long been forgotten fleeting feeling that oblivion has been trying to eat up.

I may not have had the same manner of everything that I was before. I may have had some lapses and may have failed to go through all the fast changing world could offer, but I never failed to be that somebody to someone that I knew way way back then. The somebody may become a nobody sooner or later, but what matters is that it was never considered a fiction that I became a floating memory of someone’s galaxy of thought. It was a memory that might have been old, but never gone.