dizzy up the girl

A LETTER FOR A WAITING girl

2008-09-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

(beating, keep still..)

keep beating, even if you're hurting still..

stay strong, the agony will be gone..

have hope, move on, someone is searching..

wash away those tears someone is wating for you..

YOU, above all people, don't have to suffer anymore...

you, above all, deserve to be happy...

you are too vulnerable and helpless..

yet, everyone knows you can make it through...

if someone is stopping you, no, don't look back..

dont give it a chance to hold you down...

you have all the capabilities to feel..

you have all the capabilities to heal..

your molten heart of stone by now may still be rock-hard..

but, it will soften...

your heart may be as cold as ice...

but, it will melt..

HEART-SHAPED-BOX, vessel of loving and hating..

for now, you might not understand..

but tomorrow, you will

realized that you are still human, capable of loving and hurting..

little girl, so fragile...

little girl, so innocent...

little girl, little cry baby you are..

but, you will soon bloom..

you might have been deceived by blue roses..

you came closer and got mesmerized..

yet, it wasn't your fault for falling..

you loved him more than yourself...

FORGOTTEN WHO you REALLY are..

it's time to forgive yourself..

dry your tears..

lift your face ..

smile, like the smile you had before..

get out in that cold dark corner..

love life, coz' life loves you..

love life, coz someone still believes in you..

love yourself, coz someone will cry if life loses you..

it's not your lost..

in the battle of love and hate...

situation did get out of your hand..

but, you hold your own battle now...

breathe....

beat...

move....

heal....

nobody can do it..

but you....

you're sober..

wipe those tears away..

look at life in a new way..

it's time for you to feel tired of waiting...

don't wait anymore....

don't look back anymore...

look ahead..

Little lonely girl...still waiting?

he's not coming..

he's not goin' back for you anymore...

if he is? then where is he?

MAYBE IT'S REALLY TIME FOR YOU, TO NOT WAIT ANYMORE

(beating fades)

(realization waves)

(open your eyes)

(let your feeling slide)

GONE INTO OBLIVION...

a year older

2008-09-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

I know that tomorrow, I'll be a year older..
Yup, 1 year had passed by..
This year I learned a whole lot more than just living and breathing life.. I learned to appreciate little things, little things that I took for granted, simply because of my selfishness...

I was a stagnant water, that wouldnt have wanted to move and change its ways, that would'nt have wanted to outgrow things, because of my fears of losing and retaining nothing..
I LOVE LIFE, I love everything about it. But i disregarded its magnificence, because my world revolved around me..my problems, and tactics of escaping reality..
I WAS SO WRONG FOR THINKING THAT WAY, because truth is I WILL NEVER EVER ESCAPE REALITY...and never will it let go of me..

BLUE ROSES, I thought of you, I thought of blaming everything to you.. but no...It's not your fault.. It was mine... and mine alone..
I HATED YOU, LET LOVED YOU for your UNUSUAL WAYS OF LETTING ME EXPERIENCE LOVE AND HATE AT THE SAME TIME.. the pang of pain that I felt on the day I HELD YOU IN MY ARMS and admired your uniqueness made me feel VULNERABLE AND SO MUCH MORE HELPLESS.. I was pricked by your thorns, but yet I was amazed of how you've done things in such ways that I felt splitting agony and happiness..
IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT...

....IF THINGS HAD HAPPENED...if i was so hurt... It was worth it... maybe life has made this more hard on me then ever.. because it wanted me to experience change and growing..

If I should be thankful of something than ever.. I WOULD OWE EVERYTHING TO MY FAMILY...
My family who have brought me up for exactly 18 years of my life, tomorrow..
I may have had so much time and every day of my life of thanking you, my family, because of your kindness and love.. but today, I WOULD'NT MISS IT FOR A DAY TO BEGIN THANKING AND TO BE FOREVER THANKING YOU...

TO MY MOMMY,

MOM,
thank you for being there at all times.. and providing me such wisdom that not even anyone can take a way..
Mom, I may not have been the best daughter for the past 17 years of my life, and I know sometimes I have been the agent for causing you headaches and tears.. yet, you never let go of me, you were there in every event of my life, both important and normal days...

I may have had failed you in things that I know you expected me to be, I know, and I am sorry for not helping at all times..

MOMMY I LOOK UP to YOU AT ALL TIMES, AND i guess I always will...

you are the most perfect mother, a daughter can ever have and also to my big brother and little sister, you are one.. You are the perfect wife to my DAD..

AND TO ME, you are not just a mother, you are my BIG SISTER that I can conform and run to for pieces of advice, you are my BESTFRIEND, I CAN ALWAYS TELL YOU MY SECRETS and we share the best bonding that a mother and daughter can ever have, we never had this generation gap, even if the gap of our age is triple...(p.s DONT GET MAD ABOUT THE AGE).

Memm, you are the best TEACHER, you've taught things to me that not even the most prestigious school can offer, you taught me about life, of living, loving and its lessons and experiencing what it is at all sense.. You were always the protective kind of mom, yet, you never built walls around me from experiencing what is outside this world...

I WILL NEVER TRADE YOUR COMPANY for cool friends,,because you know what? you are the coolest...(it's not because of the benefits of not spending money when I'm with you, its you and your company alone, I CAN TALK ALL DAY ABOUT EVERYTHING and not being conscious of what I have to say, you never made me feel that I should choose my words when talking to you, YOU GAVE ME FREEDOM TO SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND SPEAK MY MIND and most of all YOU LISTEN all the time and I NEVER OBLIGED YOU TO DO IT yet you do) even if it is about boys,( you always noticed the cute ones first before me).

MOM, i love you, and I'LL treasure, every single moment with you and daddy...

REMEMBER when I asked you something? what if I become an old maid never marry, what will you do..(YOU SAID THAT I'LL STAY WITH YOU, and you'd still take care of me, because I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL, your baby and I WILL NEVER GROW UP IN YOUR HEART)

mom the best lesson that you have taught me is that, the only thing that I CAN TRUST IN THIS WORLD IS my FAMILY.. a family that will never leave me even if the whole world will.. I CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE MY FRIENDS, BUT NEVER MY FAMILY...

I am still considering myself, "HALF EMPTY AND/OR HALF FULL". I still have a whole lot more to learn MOMmy.

If I should be thankful of one thing in this world, am thankful that I HAVE PARENTS THAT NEVER TOOK ME FOR GRANTED,.

TO MY DADDY,

am thankful for having a father who treated me like am a special jewel, you may be strict and an authoritarian father, but DADDY, I love you and AM THANKFUL BECAUSE YOU DID THINGS IN YOUR OWN WAY, SUCH WAYS that may be regarded as a" fun-sucker" to others, but I know it is out of love, BECAUSE I KNOW you think IT IS FOR THE BEST..you didn't want your little girl to cry and get hurt..

DAD, I may have grown and I may not be the same girl that you held on september 15 at 12:01 noon..

I may not fit on your lap anymore and maybe if you hold me up on the air, your bones might break..

BUT DAD I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL..

am daddy's little girl..

your prima donna..

IT WILL NEVER CHANGE...

don't worry I WILL FINISH MY STUDies..(laughs)

TO MY BIG COOL BRO,

I KNOW WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME..

and I ALWAYS MEDDLE WITH YOUR AFFAIRS..

but am doing these things because I want you to finish your studies..

I LOVE YOU and thanks for giving warnings about boys and all those stuffs about them...

I'LL BE CAREFUL.. and I'LL TELL YOU IF SOMEONE MAKEs ME CRY..

you have been the bigbro that I had admired for years..

Remember, we shared this certain bonding for 13 whole years, without a little sister..

You always fought for me and my side, you beaten and battered bullies for me..

you bled and cried because of me back in our gradeschool years...

I will always be your "little sisten"(you used to call me that)..

ZACHIE,

my little sister..

YOU ARE THE ANGEL OF OUR FAMILY..

a blessing...

I may be annoyed sometimes because of your questions and "kakulitan"...but I love you..

YOU MAKE OUR FAMILY HAPPY...

my wish is for you, is to be good all the time,,my little bonsai...

you have so many things to learn, and I KNOW YOU HAVE TOO MANY LESSONS TO LEARN...

one at a time..

you will..

DON'T RUSH kiddo...

DONT GROW UP YET...

you are such a darling..

you make our family so happy..

especially mom and dad...

stay as cute as ever,, I admit, you're even more beautiful than me..(laughs, you'll understand this letter when you grow up)

GOD, am thankful for everything and for giving 18 years to live...

I am thankful everyday..

and still I AM and I WILL ALWAYS WILL..

it saddens me..

2008-09-07T03:10:00.000-07:00

the days are fast approaching and yet, i feel nothing. NO excitement, no anxiety, no everything.

yeah another year is added in my age of living and breahting life..

bu, nothing really has chaged in me..

I slowly examined myself and ask in an INTRA manner.. have I changed? i answered myself.. NO..
DISSAPOINTING.. WASNT MYSELF SUPPOSED TO BE AS ONE WITH ME.. WASNT MYSELF SUPPOSED TO BE BIASED AND AGREE WITH WHAT I WANT TO BE..BUT NO..SHE WOULDNT AGREE..MY ALTER EGO IS MY ENEMY...

SOMETIMES I TEND TO HATE MYSELF EVERYDAY..i tend to question..why am i like this?wasnt i supposed to believe in the crap "you're a perfect being".. but no.. i wouldnt...

i feel that am not supposed to be like this...there's got to be more than who i think i am.. if others would say that I KNOW MYSELF MORETHAN OTHERS.. I GUESS I WOULDNT BELIEVE ON IT EITHER.. they define me more than the definitions that i created in myself long before my existence..

day by day..its the same...

the only reason that am living is because of the people around me...
not because i want too.. but they let me..

things happen and they add to my distraction of innocence,,.. yes I WILL BE OLDER SOON..

BUT DOES BEING OLDER MEAN THAT I WILL LEFT THOSE MISHAPS BEHIND?

I DO KNOW THAT I'M OLDER BECAUSE OF TIME..BUT NEVER OLDER BECAUSE I CHOSE TO BE NOT AND BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BE...

SOMEDAY I WOULD WANT TO CHANGE . . .

AND HOPEFULL THAT TIME WOULD COME..

WHEN I COULD PUT ALL THE HURT BEHIND..WHEN I COULD PUT THE PAST BEHIND AND MAKE A NEW CHAPTER IN MY SO CALLED TABULARAZA OF LIFE..

YEAH..I WILL BE OLDER.. and am afraid..

LISTEN

2008-09-07T02:27:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to be heard..But why do people have this unusual manner of demanding to be heard but not listening on the latter..
We all know that everyone has the right to express who they are and what they think. but why are some people too greedy for attention, they want to be heard but they dont want to listen to what others are saying and the things that others have to say. Being understood is a give and take process. And so as listening. Effective communication involves the two macro skills, speaking and listening. We are gifted people by all means. God, created us in a perfect way, from his image. We were given senses, to use. To see, to taste, to speak, to feel and TO LISTEN. What are the use of these gifts if we dont use them.. WE HAVE EYES, but we are BLIND when it comes to reality and recognition of the bounderies of good and evil.. WE HAVE TONGUES, but we dont realize that when we speak too much we tend to hurt, yeah, we have to accept that everyone has their freedom to express but there is always an excemption to every corresponding rights.. WE HAVE THE CAPABILITIES OF FEELING, but why do we disregard others feeling in the same manner, why do we always consider what we feel but not, WHAT AND HOW OTHERS WOULD FEEL. If we have EARS, why do we hear but not comprehend, why do listen but tend to not inculcate those things that should be rooted in our minds but we just let soundwaves pass, receiving the stimulus but not integrating and decoding. WHY DONT WE LISTEN?

THE IRONY ENTERS, when you, me, her, him and them are quite perfect by all means of physical aspect, yeah, WE WERE PERFECTLY CREATED.. We brag that we are.. but truth is, we were never the beings that we were supposed to be.. We do know that we make bad things out of good things that were created. WE WERE CREATED PERFECTLY, but WE DONT KNOW WHERE IS THIS PERFECTION THAT IS IN EACH OF US.

LISTEN. USE YOU'RE SENSES.
TELL THAT TO THE SCHOOL GUARD THAT I QUARELLED WITH LAST FRIDAY.

I cried, I bled, I slipped

2008-08-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

i tried holding on to everything that we had, and you tried everything to let go..
i ask myself, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US?
but it's better if I say, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?
i dunno whats wrong with me?and what's wrong with you?
did we have to hurt each other and make each other even more certain that we are still feeling..
or is hurting me made you realized that am still alive and am still HUMAN...

is it fun SEEING ME THIS WAY..
did you have to leave me transparently lifeless..
did you have to make me feel that am worthless..
i know you know how i feel...
i know you see me as your burden..
i know you chose to hurt me because I WAS WORTHLESS ALREADY

I KNOW YOU KNOW YOUR POWER OVER ME...
i know you made your way on using that as your main alibi..

you didnt have to slap me right there and then with such realities that i refuse to believe in..
because in my mind i lead a chimera life with you....

and now, all i have is this...

i'm lifeless, i'm in total monochrome, am motionless, am a creature that doesnt obey life and natures law anymore..am living a timeless, motionless, airless, waterless, colorless and worthless life..

and now I CRY, I BLEED, I SLIP

and i dont know when will these end..

LOOK at me... TELL me... WHAT DO YOU SEE

2008-08-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

LOOK at me, TELL me, WHAT do you really SEE?

do you see me as ME?

or do you see me as HER?

AM I STILL ME? or AM I somebody else?

NOW TELL ME NOW, do you see me still?

or ARE YOU SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE IN ME?

are you aware about these MASKS that am wearing EVERYDAY?

do you want to get a glimpse of the other self that i showed you?

are you aware that it's difficult to return to the old self?

now tell me, do you feel my pain? do you feel my rage, do you feel my agony, do you feel my indifference?

I GUESS NOT...

I ONLY LET YOU SEE WHAT I WANT YOU TO SEE..

open your eyes and look at me again..

i know you know that this isnt me..

ask me who I AM and I'll GIVE YOU A CLEAR AND DEFINITE ANSWER...

I am me, I am her, I am yen.. and the old YEN died 9 months ago...

when friendship fails....

2008-08-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve known her from way, way back before. We’ve practically known each other since forever. From the very day we took our very first step in kindergarten till the day we realized that we were finally reaching adulthood.4

I can still remember the day when she first made a smiling face at me, the smile so inviting, it was the sincere friendship she offered me,. Although we were never that close before, she was with her best friend and I was with mine. Funny it may seem, we were once kids; kids who would play all day, never wandering what time it was, but simply playing, enjoying, and breathing the air of innocence. The peculiar thing about childhood is that, you were strangers at the beginning of the day and next thing you know is you’re already holding each other’s hand like you were best friends.

I never was the sociable kid before; in fact I always cried when my mommy leaves me in that little place they called “the four walls of learning”, even though I’m certain and quite sure that my mom will fetch me afterwards; I was never comfortable around that place, mere fact that I hated noise of screaming children, ransacking the place and fighting over some stupid toys that I wasn’t even interested to play with. I always sat in the corner of the room pretending that I was all alone and that I didn’t care, then this girl wearing a white shirt and red shorts walked up to me and said hi and asked me if I wanted to play with them, she was with this skinny little girl with frail complexion. And for the first time I experienced having fun and I didn’t felt alone and lonely anymore. But my parents decided the next day that I should move to another school because my performance was low in my present one, I was sad because although I made friends with someone already, I was forced to forget the only girl who ever have asked me to play with. I didn’t even had the chance to ask for her name before I go and I didn’t even said goodbye to my play-friends, well I considered they were.

The next year I completed my prep stage and finally entered grade school. To my amazement, a familiar looking girl was standing at the doorway and then she grabbed my hand and told me that she knew me. It was her, my play-friend whom I didn’t expected would be my classmate. I discovered many things about her, she was popular and most of my classmates had crushes on her, well, because she was beautiful and well she was smart too.. That very year I found out something in my young mind, that it was not enough to have only one friend, it was better to collect many. The girl and I never got so close and we even fought about things, well you know the kids stuff.

She moved to another place with her family the next year, but she was never forgotten, in fact she was still popular even without the actual presence. 2 years had passed and many things had happened, I improved. I gained confidence and well I had lots of friends and met my arch enemy, but to my luck, on my fourth grade my nemesis left and transferred to another school. I was very happy. The next reason to be happy about was that my play-friend returned, I don’t know for what reason it was but I was happy too.

She was the same, the same friendly face and with the same fresh attitude everybody admired. In the first few months we weren’t that close, why? She had her group of friends and I had mine too. She sat 2 tables apart from mine; but one day an unexpected thing happened, I was with my usual friends talking about anime and funny things, when someone passed a note to me it said

Hello,

Would it be okay if I could be friends with you guys?

Her name was written on the last part of the note. I slowly turned my back to give her my answer because I was so lazy in writing down something at that time; well I was always lazy writing it was no myth. I turned my back and when I got her attention I nod at her for my approval then she said thank you.

The next years were the best years of my life we became best friends and shared may secrets even the darkest ones. We had our own group comprising five members whom shared the same interests in drawing, anime and writing stories. We were super close not only because of our field of interests but because, we didn’t know that we were really connected with each other somehow because some of us were cousins, and our parents were once close friends before, we realized these things, the five of us did.

Years have passed and the five of us soon entered high school life, the beginning of our adolescence period. We’ve grown to be teenagers already. We went to different schools, and my best friend went back to her old home. Yes, she was far, very very far. Well least I thought two rides to her place was far already. We still kept our communication; we still had our long conversations on the phone, still exchanged text messages and letters and still see each other. We grow places apart but still kept our friendship growing. She tells me about crushes and stories in school, events and I did the same too, I would let her visit my school and tour her around the campus. We were best of friends, we never forget about important event in our lives, important dates to remember like birthdays and many more. .

The most important point of our lives now have had happen, the years to be where we will be making our future. College life had bloomed and here we are, already college students.

We entered different schools, but with the same course. Finally I left my old place and went to a farther place to study, nearer to my best friend. Even though ours had a different environment, we still promised each other that we would stay the same and told ourselves that nothing would change. Months had passed, we promise to write each other, I wrote my letters to keep in touch with her, I made it long ones so that she wouldn’t be bored because I expected that hers would sure be more interesting,… but……….she had forgotten.. I told myself maybe she was busy and I should understand. She still text me and told me that she’ll write, so I waited, and waited and waited. She promised she will. So I patiently did expect for her letters.

Finally, I got fed up waiting and didn’t expect anything from her anymore. I continued writing because it was a ritual for me to do so. I had my problems and certain thoughts to release and by those letters I felt good inside.

What happened is that, we grew apart from each other. She has her new friends already and our communication was slowly fading. And I too shared my own fault, I isolated myself from her and shut my mouth and said nothing to her. It was better that way, I thought. I didn’t want to tell her my selfish thoughts about her forgetting everything and putting me aside and the thought of her thinking not wanting to be my friend anymore because she had her own anymore. I know that I finally have been replaced as her best friend.

People change; it was something constant I know people embrace changes. Who would want to be left out anyway?

I, for once accepted the fact, that maybe she had changed, because I did too. And that it wasn’t her obligation any way to listen to me at all times, friendship didn’t mean that you should be shock absorbers to each other.

In this world we meet different people who would play a certain role in our lives. Life means an unending journey with one companion at a time. There are diverging and converging pathways, as we walk to find ourselves, our paths entwined with different people, and these people will make a certain kind of history in our lives.

When friendship fails, another one begins….

look over your shoulder

2008-08-01T06:27:00.000-07:00

I may not know every detail of her life, now.

But I never let go of what we have had both there and then.

I may not have shared with her every tiny thoughts that I have had, but I never did forget her name, who she is then and who she is by now.

I may have failed in being there for her in those oh so kilig moments. And talk about those all night, with no sleep.

But, I did understand what was underneath those silent and blank expressions she made when I ask her why. .

They say nothing lasts forever. Everything has its boundaries and ending. But there is a contradicting thought behind it. There may be an ending about what we call life and everything but there is that something that always remains. Behind the parody of memories, reality and what really lasts is a question. Don’t good memories get left behind? It’s hard to put everything aside, and make way to new ones. . But in time we get used to certain events that really are meant on happening. . Sometimes we really have to say that, no matter how old one thing is, if it has served as an engraving or maybe a scar in our minds and in our heart, no matter how many years would come, it would be hard for it to fade. Despite the changing people, changing places, the washed off communication and the fast running ticking of the clock, there will always be a certain de javu to remind us of someone, something, and that long been forgotten fleeting feeling that oblivion has been trying to eat up.

I may not have had the same manner of everything that I was before. I may have had some lapses and may have failed to go through all the fast changing world could offer, but I never failed to be that somebody to someone that I knew way way back then. The somebody may become a nobody sooner or later, but what matters is that it was never considered a fiction that I became a floating memory of someone’s galaxy of thought. It was a memory that might have been old, but never gone.